Oh · my · fuck!

I will not stand to be fucked around anymore. I love you, but you;re giving me no respect. So either acknowledge me or fuck right off. Seriously, I thin you're awesome, but you're just taking the piss now. Sort this out, please, because I don't want to lose you.

There were a half dozen songs I could have quoted in the last entry but didn't, and they all pretty much boil down to "I like you, and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, so please don't fuck me over."
View it from my point of view. Sunday evening I ask you to come over Monday night, and ask you to introduce me to people. Monday evening you run into people and they're more important so you leave me hanging. End result you ruined my plans for the evening, and lied to me about inviting me round. Double shit. tuesday evening, I invite you to something, so does Harry, you cancel my plans. Nice to know Harry is more important to you than I am, and still no plans to say hi to me or invite me to anyone's house.
Wedenesday evening, you go to work, which is fair enough, can't blame a person for that, but then afterwards you apparently go to Terri's house. So in three days you've broke your promise to me three times about being invited to things, and have no trust for general administration. Want to convince me otherwise? I don' think you can. I love you, but if you remain a heartless bitch, I don't see what future we can have.

Here is lyrics that are occupying my ears this week. They are pretty much all unashamedly emo. Got a problem with that? Well then fuck you and die.

You'll change your mind,
Come Monday,
And turn your back on me,
You'll take your steps away with hesitance,
You'll take your steps away from me,

I'm making my peace,
I'm making it with distance,
Maybe that's a big mistake,
You know I"m thinking of you,
I miss you

--------------------------------------------

Way to try, I got a line
For you from me, better nice
A beautiful, baby blue,
Sky that's looking up at you
Now watch it fade away

But it's okay
We'll come around
With nights like this are never ending
I try so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better

I know you want it all
And you got me
Sorry I never was everything you ever dreamed
But kept at bay, for just in case that day

---------------------------------


Cheap lips, soft eyes, lost in the most blinding lights
As cold as those first nights alone
As the second best he'll become
Sleep deep, girl, dream well
That night, I think he cried himself to sleep
Just maybe, he felt more than we could ever know
And I think he pulled that trigger to empty that memory
I think he cut the weight to end the floods of you
Let him soar, let him ride as budding gravestones do
Just sleep, girl, just dream well

---------------------------

Death was just a simple glance across a dim lit room
And those eyes did it
Those three words did it
Those three words killed him
And I surrender to it all
Between you and me, I surrender to you
Forgive me for the sadness
And the bringing of you down
I just needed a lover and I needed a friend
And there you were
Running from forever like all the rest
Three simple words bled me dry
Three simple word bled us dry, bled us dry
I love you


---------------------------

once I knew a girl...
she was really fine...
she had problems with her mind...
she would lose control and take it out on me...
but I'm not the hurting kind...

oh pretty girl I didn't want to lose you...
she could so cruel when she was in the mood...
darkness was not far behind...
we had such good times... when she was feeling fine...
oh pretty girl I didn't want to lose...
I'm praying for a miracle to soothe you...


Oh pretty girl i didn't want to lose you
I'm praying for a miracle to soothe you

don't get me wrong...
this is a love song...
don't get me wrong...
this is a love song

---------------------------

I'm glad that you're near
And I'm sad when you're here
This is what it's like to be me
I'm glad that you're here
And I'm sad that you're near
This is what it's like to die alone.

This all hurts me so much
That I honestly believe
You're the one this is hard for
I've bartered tact for wit
And I've already made up
A billion stories about you.

Knee deep in static
I hear you breaking up
I'm breaking up
I guess we're breaking up
You're not the other woman
You're just another(woman)
Another hobby for a guy like me.

You've given me a heart like a gun
And I'm so shocked that I made it through
These billion days.
I didn't think I could tough it out for those days
A billion.

Knee deep in static
I hear you breaking up
I'm breaking up
I guess we're breaking up
You're not the other woman
You're just another(woman)
Another hobby for a guy like me.

So we're growing?
I'm sure
There's no other I can turn to
Theres no other I can turn to
If not you, heart
Who else can I believe?

---------------------------

you've taken my breathe away for the very last time
never again will my lungs be left unsatisfied on account of you
let's get this straight, you had it all
how many lives can i possibly offer before it's enough?
you know that i risked it all for you
i screamed through the fog at 100 miles an hour
i thought i had found my way home
how am i to make a wish when all the stars have all burned out?
you always told me that they would be mine one day.
don't tell me that this doesn't hurt you
i need you to feel the same as i do
you know i'm the only one equipped to break you
so why am i feeling so cold?
we're out there all alone, if only you'd find it in yourself to give it all up
we're on a collision course with certain failure but i promised that i wouldn't let you down
it's so dark out tonight, you painted it all black. i'll take this to my grave.
so throw me overboard, as if you ever needed me anyway
tie the anchor around my ankles, i'm better off at the bottom of all this
there's nothing left to say, so seal your heart off and watch me fade away

---------------------------


the curtain's a sea anemone
in the way it sways
to the slow breeze
I lie spread out on the floor
looking at these things
and most of them are yours
and it's so nice
sitting very still
without those old shoes
I could never fill
starfish with its arms out in a daze
staring at the stars
through an ocean haze
was I one you wished upon?
burned out like a lightbulb
when you turned me on
and it's so nice
sleeping here all alone
with my ashtray and
white courtesy telephone
now I'm making out the shapes
like the shower rod - can it take my weight?
I will tell you I am fine
I got some news, friend, feels like I'm dying
turtle on its back in the desert sea
and you look like a cool drink
just slightly out of reach
draw myself into the shell
waiting on a sign from god
or a nod from hell
---------------------------

Tonight I try to reason
What's running through my veins
Too bad I'll never tell you
'Cos it won't make sense

The things people doubt; the rainfall
While I look onto you
And I wanted you
But tomorrow's gone
Anyway
And I wanted you
But tomorrow's gone
Anyway
I won't let go now
This styrofoam

This thrill, it beats me, I take a rest
All day
Tonight I try to reason
What's running through my veins
Too bad I'll never tell you
'Cos it won't make sense

The things people doubt; the rainfall
While I look onto you
And I wanted you
But tomorrow's gone

---------------------------

Strung along
And broken down inside
I enjoyed the ride
But the next stop looks like mine

And here is where I've had enough
And now is when I'm shaking it loose
No one's gonna tie me up
I've got too many moves

I've moved around
And followed all the signs
And it turned out
To be something out of time

So here is I cut the chord
And run like hell shaking it loose
I don't know where to hang it up
I've got too many hooks
Left to use

It's true
Not just words I thought sounded cool
I think it's time that I got out of the loop
Out of the loop for good
It's good to do what you should
You should know by now
That I won't come down
So there's no use hanging around

Out of the loop for sure
It's a cure for the insecure
And I sure as hell
Hope you're able to tell
The difference between gone
And gone for good

Yeah it's the truth
Not just words I thought sounded cool
I think it's time that I got out of the loop



And so if you amalgamate all of those songs (For reference: Jimmy Eat World, Early November, Converge, more Converge, Sense Field, Glassjaw, Wester, Jets To Brazil, By A Thread, and Jeff Caudill. But if you know me enough to care, you should know all those songs.) you pretty much have my state of mind these days. There is trouble in paradise, and for anyone else I'd already be gone. Salvage this?

Here are some pictures, I suppose.

Also, can someone kindly to be making me interesting? Point at me at interesting happenings. Show me where I can acquire outfits so interesting I have to take pictures of myself in them to demonstrate their awesomeness. Tell me where to get unusual or unique things that can be talking points. Send me to places where I can have wacky events and tell anecdotes about later on. C'mon, somebody?

Someone get me out of here. I don't care where. I have... nothing to do. I can't even do "free" things, because I can't afford the bus/train. Please. Someone take me somewhere. But no, everyone has stuff to do. Places to go, things to drink, stuff to do. I'm going insane. I'm going insane. I'm going insane here. I'm going insane here. I'm going insane here. I'm going insane here. I'm going insane here. To quote Drowningman "Time that is spent thinking alone can kill you".
Someone introduce me to their friends, give me new people to talk to. Someone do something I can take part in on my budget of zero. Someone get me out of this goddamned house where I have no fucking space.
There is a limit to just how much I can entertain myself here. I reached that limit some time ago.
Please